It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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