My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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