i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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