My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
