I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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