I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize