Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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