tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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