I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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