i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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