he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
