If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Your penis caused this!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
