i used baking grease as lip gloss
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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