meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
