I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
