I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
