I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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