You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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