could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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