that's an acceptable place to lick
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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