I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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