is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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