Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
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We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
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I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
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