i would punch a child for taco bell
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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