There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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