My hand turned me down
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
