Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
