This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
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I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
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I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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