I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
