Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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