Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
