He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
