I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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