If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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