Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
