yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
