She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
