In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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