why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize