She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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