At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
How external is "for external use only"?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Randomize
