Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.