It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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