I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
