I can tuck mytits in my pants
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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