I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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