Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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