im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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