She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
