It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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