And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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