I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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