I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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